Congratulations on reading Jaggerisms!

You, dear reader, have taken the first important step towards scooping your nads and injecting a little swagger back into your life.

Nads?

Swagger?

I know, my friend, that sounds like a tall order. You’re thinking, “But David, I’ve been so cucked by society I’m afraid I’ve all but forgotten what swagger is. And my nads… My poor nads! I tossed them away long ago, for the pain of them getting ground to dust was too much for me to endure!”

There, there, dear reader. Quell your fears, for I am here. Dry your tears. It makes you look like a bitch. But we’ll keep that between us. Your secret is safe with me. Do you know why?

Because I am your valuable friend.

What kind of friend would I be if I were not here for you in the worst of times? I will carry you through to the best of times.

How will I do that?

What is Jaggerisms?

…are you serious right now?

What Jaggerisms is

What a question! Is it not self-explanatory? Do you really need me to mansplain it?

Oh wait, I get it. You cheeky bastard you. You’re asking for the less cognitively-inclined.

How very noble of you, sir. How very noble indeed.

(It’s okay, by the way. We call them retards here.)

Jaggerisms no less than the second coming of Atlantis. The resurgence of Hyperborea. The lush, inner world of Agartha in this digital tundra!

It is the last self-help publication you’ll ever need. Because it’s not quite self-help. It is a guide towards liberation.

Liberation from what you ask?

The Black Cube, of course!

I would love so much to be able to teach you to be like me. Life can’t help but be better with a little Davey in it. Imagine if there could be even more!

But alas, such a thing is impossible. I’m heartbroken to say it. No matter how amazing I am, I could never teach anyone to be like me. Imagine asking God to build a wall he couldn’t jump over!

Even so, I can teach you to be you. The most authentic version of you. Can you imagine how fucking metal you would be if you could strip away all the bitch-made shit that is not you? That all these nosey bastards lording over society have tacked onto your being to keep you watered down? Like when you’ve let your rum and coke sit too long and the copious amounts of ice the god-awful bartender added have ruined the flavor.

Stick with me, dear reader, and I will stick with you. I will peel back the hood on the secrets of swagger, get in there like a kitten excessively grooming, and bring those secrets to climax all over your fertile mind.

Oh yeah! We’re bringing swagger back!

That Sounds Fantastic!

Indeed it does, dear reader! Indeed it does.

And of course, I don’t need to tell you to subscribe. I know you already skimmed to the bottom and pressed that blue button.

I know because you’re so brilliant. Only a retard would pass up the opportunity to be a part of this.

You’re so smart.

I love you.

Who is David Jagger?

David Jagger has been described by many as a cross between Lord Byron and John F. Kennedy, but this he humbly declines. He is, in his own words, “just a normal guy,” despite being so sexually explosive TSA has to pat him down every time he passes security. Sometimes twice just to double check the package. (Yes, it really is that big.) In his presence, men question themselves. Women bite their lips and cross their legs; it’s all they can do, lest their ovaries explode—this is true even of lesbians.

He is the author of what critics describe as the greatest work you’ve never seen—something he claims is a decade-long fumble brought about by excessive debauch and vigorous life presence. His selfless nature was what first drew him to and then back again to writing. Having escaped his mother’s flesh walls on the same day the Berlin Wall fell, he is seen by some as a harbinger.

His goal is a simple one: the liberation of all people from their own self-imposed black cube. To bring a little swagger back to a world that seems so haggard. Seen by all as a valuable friend, David Jagger believes we’re all stuck with one another and, “unless you want to be stuck with losers, you had better stop being a bitch.”

When he’s not busy giving his all to the needy or taking pot shots at the powers that be, he enjoys rum and coke and doing pro-bono work with fledgling OnlyFans influencers. His favorite exercise is swimming like the dolphins with his pet narwhal.